well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
