You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
everyone is single if you try hard enough
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
