his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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