Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
