BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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