I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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