Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
even my farts smell like vagina
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
