I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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