yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I could make wine with my vomit
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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