My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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