and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
