yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
