hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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