really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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