can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Randomize
