They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
