I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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