I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Barsexuality is the new black.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize