Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize