The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
