M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
