You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
