cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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