I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
