Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
