There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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