if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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