What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
there is glitter all over my balls
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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