So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
