Jerry, you need to find god
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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