is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
