The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
