Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
