Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize