I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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