And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
