I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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