I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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