Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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