Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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