she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
