you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
