Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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