Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
