The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
