textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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