ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I would fuck him just for his dog
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
