I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
