Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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