no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
