can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize