Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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