Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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