i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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