On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
