please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
